Icke is a girl, the day I met her was a good day. Today not so much, Like Zis.

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She sent a picture and asked “Will I make a great Mum?”

“You would be the best mum in the history of all mums.” I said.

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Her name is Icke; her eyes I thought were blue but they are green.

She doesn’t like green,

and one of my shorts is of the same color;

I only put it on when she’s not around.

She loves ducks,

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the water toy ones.

I got her three and she gave me one,

but she ended up keeping all of them.

She liked baby soothers,

I got her two.

She liked my salad,

specially with sprinkled mint.

We watched impractical jokers,

with our legs crossed.

We drank beer,

she liked mine;

I gave it to her and pretended I liked hers.

We brushed our teeth together before bed.

while hugging her behind and looking at her eyes in the mirror.

She asked for my advice,

I said “break a leg”

I called her my sweet little girl,

she called me honey.

She embraced me tight at night rolling her legs over my tummy,

I took her in my arms and kissed her head.

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instagram @dayenjoyer

I filled up a glass of water every night,

I put it next to her bedside and kissed her lips.

I bought orange juice; “Rich” the brand she liked,

and Cherry Coke; she loved every sip.

I kissed her hand every morning on the breakfast table.

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I danced along her back while she was cooking.

I carved her name in the snow and yelled I love you.

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I sang happy birthday to her while I was in Miami,

and to a toy duck.

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I would thank the worlds everyday for gifting me with Icke.

I washed her clothes,

pulled the chairs wherever we went,

and took her jacket hunging it neatly.

We made some friends.

She put her hand on mine when we went out.

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She kissed me with her heart,

and held my cheeks sincerely in her palm.

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We swayed along “Dance me to the end of love”

I taught her how to turn at the end of the pool,

and we held hands swimming along its length.

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She asked “How’s your day?”

before I replied she’d sweetly say “Mine’s good; Like Zees” shaking her head.

We walked along Nevsky Prospect jumping in joy,

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and kissed so romantically under the sun.

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We shared conversations,

all were intellectually informative.

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She ironed my clothes,

and folded them.

She always placed the bigger portion of food in my plate.

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She would not get full; but watching me fill up, made her happy.

She would mask my face with her hands,

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and dunk my head in her chest.

She would call me “my rabbit”

I would call her “my yablaka”

I said “Ya tebe Le bleu”

She said “Tamam.”

Icke is a woman I loved;

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A woman I gave all of me to.

Many said “You shouldn’t have let all your strings loose; you should have pulled at times”

I said “I can not pull no strings when I love a woman”

“When I love a woman; I love a woman”

Icke loved me; or so I believed.

Who’s to blame?

I for loving her or she for loving me?

Life will do as she pleases.

Life brought us together.

Life made us fall in love with each other.

Then life took her away and tortured me.

What am I to do?

Do I fight?

or

Do I end my life?

My heart belongs to Icke; and so is all of my body.

How am I to love another? To kiss another? To hug another? To dance with another? To sleep with another? To say I love you to another? To eat with another? To wake with another? To have kids with another?

Life has poked me in the deepest of places and pierced my heart with the bitterness of taking my love away from me.

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Photo Credit: @dariamyazina

I have given you everything I have, I have given you good.

Now I am broken, deeply destroyed, utterly terminated, viscously executed, painfully outlived.

Life has left me with no heart, no feelings, no emotions.

She snatched the love of my heart from the roots of it,

and left me with incomprehensible sadness and bitterness.

I do not want to live in your life, life.

I do not want to eat your food, breathe your air;, drink your water or look at your moon.

I want out of you.

You have betrayed the very trust I built for you over the course of my years.

You have beaten me to the ground, endless of times.

You have broken my straight self and now I am as wrecked as a sunken ship.

I am so hurt; I can’t imagine it’s happening. 

I am having goose bumps writing this. 

It’s so deeply painful, my heart is bleeding so badly and the knife life stabbed me with is embedded in the back walls of the torn muscle. 

My ego keeps yammering in my head; Why! Why! Why! 

You did everything good to life and this is what you get in return! 

I am so dead; like a lifeless sad body full of  severe sorrow. 

I wish I never came to life to experience such pain. 

How could life be so cruel and mean and step on the very emotion that defines the sense of human meaning. 

If life had killed me it wouldn’t hurt that much; at least her face would be the last thing I would see before eternal peace. 

Now you have taken out my heart and left me lonesome and heartless. 

The road of love I was on has collapsed; the trees along its sides have burned to the ground and the ashes of my heart have flown their particles into the empty grey air. 

I love you my girl, I love you so much that I can’t help but let a tear drop off my broken lashes. 

I am confused, disoriented and lost.

Extremely so. 

The world has dimmed its sun light suddenly in the midst of a nice spring day; the moon has extinguished its last sigh of reflection surprisingly on a beautiful night in Nevsky; the stars beat their last flash on a clear night sky in Lomonosovskaya; and the galaxies of your love halo-ing above my life have folded-ly sealed their horizons. 

Come back to me my love, I miss your long toes. 

Bring me back the smile I genuinely had; hug me like you used to before sleep; sing me whispering-ly  so I can fall asleep peacefully in your arms; wake me up in the morning with your sealed smiling lips touching mine. 

Where are you my Icke. What are you doing my baby? I am anxious to know the whereabouts of my sweet love. Has my baby taken the apple and snickers bar I prepared for to take to work? Is my baby going to call me at the door and say “Honey; I am leaving!”

I love you Icke. I love you in my heart and soul. My veins run with the molecules of your sincere love, my system of being is lacking your sweet presence, and the oxygen I used to breathe along your side has reached an empty state of existence. 

Loosing you has left me with a pyramid of grief filled with the good memories you captured for our lives, my heart weighs more than my body could carry.

It’s full of our pure and true love that multiplies in its very muscles when a thought of you travels in my brain. 

Icke, you are a woman that I loved not only with my heart, but with a future of a four membered family. A house with a garden where we would plant our fruits and vegetables; An expedition of utter joyful love and a relationship to dazzle the history of human interactions since Adam and his Eve. 

I have always asked God to give me a good fine woman. He gave me you; an angel I never was able to reach an imaginative level that could contribute to your being. 

I thank him and the worlds for giving me you for a short brief time. 

I failed the test of winning your heart.

I wish I had more of me to give to you. 

I love you my girl

your boy

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